I’m living in the aftermath and I’m okay with it.

Lauren did it. She and Larry saved each other. The truth is coming out about Richard's corrupt dealings with drug cartels and the plan to set Larry up as a fall guy. It also means my misguided part in all this is coming out too. I'm okay with that. I deserve to be punished. I'm guilty. Of what, I'm not sure. Small mindedness seems to fit best.

My lawyer is trying to strike a deal in return for my information, not that I know a lot. All I can do is give them a couple of pieces to a much larger puzzle. Larry is working angles from his side for me too.

I don't deserve his kindness. For everything I've done to try and ruin him, he forgives me. This mess has made see the man I fell in love with. There's no chance of us getting back together again, but I do see us being civil with a joint aim in life—our daughter. There's still a good man underneath the grime. Recent events have served as a wakeup call. If he ever needed a reason to turn his life around he's got one now. Larry and my lawyer both tell me I won't escape prison time, but it shouldn't be too much if the DA and judge are understanding. Someone is going to have to take care of Victoria. I trust Larry, but only the clean and sober Larry, and even Larry recognizes that. I believe in Larry right now, despite everything. He'll be a good father again. That fills me with hope while I'm in prison.

Prison, the word fills me with dread, but I know I can survive it. Larry tells me the key to surviving is seeing a time and place beyond prison and I can, even now. I can see me enjoying watching my daughter grow into a young woman. I can see a good home life. I see happiness. I see it all. Prison will be good for me, I think. It'll be a time to reinvent and forgive myself.

I have to wrap this up now. My lawyer says I shouldn't share any more details with you all from now on. And they don't allow computer access where I'm going.

Don't fear for me. Just let this be a warning to anyone thinking about letting their baser emotions take over.

Be good to yourself and the people around you,

Jennifer Hayes

Lauren's Final Video Report - 10

Lauren finally catches up with Larry. Thank God.

Please everything turn out alright

I have nobody to turn to. Nobody to hold. I'm living with the consequences of my actions.

Lauren's Video Report 9

The meeting I had with Lauren out at Hunters Point.

OMG OMG OMG

I was frantic when Lauren Ortega called me. Victoria wasn't at school. I'd dropped her off, but she never made it to class. I was combing the street for her. This seemed to be my punishment. To lose my daughter when all I wanted was to hold on to her. But she wasn't missing. She'd gone to see Lauren in some vain hope that she could save her father. I wish I believed in that kind of naivety.

I ask to speak to Victoria, but Lauren says it's best that I come and get her. I ask where they are. Hunter's Point is the answer. What the hell is my daughter doing out at the old navy docks? I don't get an explanation from Lauren.

When I arrive at Hunter's Point, Lauren is the only one there. I demand to know what's going on and where my daughter is. Lauren is cocky and highhanded. Victoria is back in school and Lauren wants to know what I've done. The nerve of the woman. I won't talk. Can't talk. But she hits me with the results of her investigation and she's good. She made connections and knows something stinks, but she doesn't know everything. She leans on me. She'll go to the cops with what she's got. She might not know everything, but she knows enough to break the bond Richard has over me. I let it all out—the hate, the frustration, the helplessness, loneliness and everything that has polluted me ever since my marriage to Larry turned bad. I say ugly things, some of it I mean, some of it I don't. I'm not proud of what I've done and hearing myself leaves me feeling ashamed. Getting everything off my chest, the ugly and pretty, gives me some relief.

Lauren looks at me with disgust and contempt. I should slap the look from her face, but I deserve it. I deserve everything that's no doubt coming my way.

"They won't let him live," Lauren says.

It's a conclusion that kept me awake all night.

"Save him," I say. The words burn me, scorching my hate until it no longer remains. I mean what I say and I don't care about the consequences. I'll take whatever comes my way.

Lauren will do what she can for Larry, but how can she save a man no one can find? Richard has Larry or soon will. He let one thing slip in his hurry to silence me—Fisherman's Wharf.

It's not much, but I hope that it's enough to save Larry.

Lauren leaves me here alone with my hopes and prayers riding on her back.

Lauren's Video Report 8

This documents Lauren's meeting with Victoria in San Francisco's Union Square

A cop’s family is his Achilles’ heel.

It's quiet now and I can think. Richard's gone.

How can I have been such a fool? Richard wasn't interested in me. Our relationship was never about me. It was all about Larry. All he wanted was Larry's destruction and I was the most effective tool for making that happen. There goes my self respect.

God, how could I have been so blind? It's so obvious now that the blinkers have been removed. I was so obsessed with Larry, I didn't see how I was being manipulated. Richard was that little voice on my shoulder telling me to do this and do that. It seemed like my will was driving everything, but I was nothing more than a puppet. When he pulled my strings, I danced.

A cop's family is his Achilles' heel. It's always vulnerable to attack and I'd just proved the point.

When Richard came by the house, I thought he'd come for me. I'd gotten to like his late night visits. This time it was different. There was no concern in his voice or care in his touch. He was hard and unforgiving. He'd come to drop the bomb that Larry was involved in a triple murder. He tossed Larry's old .38 on the floor at my feet, safely contained in an evidence bag. That was the murder weapon. The impossibility of that made all the sense I needed to understand the situation. I'd been used. Richard came by for one reason and one reason only—to keep me quiet. If I talked, I was an accessory. His grabbing me by the throat and telling me as much to rub my nose in the truth was an unnecessary gesture.

Now that I'm alone, typing this, I see the trouble I'm in and the peril I've put Larry in. I just didn't want Larry getting joint custody. How did three people end up dead because of it? Worse, I just don't see a way out of it for me.

Victoria is calling me from the top of the stairs. I see the fear and sadness in her eyes. How do I make this best for her?

Lauren's Video Report 7

My private detective, Lauren Ortega, goes in search of Larry's drug dealer.

The New Love in My Life

Losing Lauren Ortega as a sympathetic ear meant I needed a new one. I couldn't turn to Victoria. She was too close to the problem. Besides, there are things I can't share with my daughter, not about her father. Luckily, I do have someone to turn to. I've had someone for a while, if I'm being honest. His name is Richard. He's a cop. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Fool me twice and all that. He might be a cop, but he's not like Larry. He can leave the job at the door when he ditches his gun and badge for the night. Larry never switched off. He's a cop down to his core, even if he's a bad one.

Richard has been good to me and for me. He's listened without judgment and offered advice when I've asked for it. He's given me options and helped me see beyond the crap to the possibility of a good tomorrow in my future. The best thing he's done for me is make me feel like a woman again. I can't tell you how good it's been to get myself back.

Richard's been helping me see my way beyond Larry. When Larry pushed for greater custody rights, Richard told me to hire a PI to dig into Larry's less than savory life. He could have done this for me, but cops don't screw brother cop over. Cop bullshit, I know, but I also understood he couldn't tarnish his name with Larry's corrosive ways.

I have to admit that to get my way we've crossed some lines. It's nothing Larry doesn't deserve. I'm doing it for the right reasons, but I don't like having to stoop to Larry's level to catch him.

Lauren's Video Report 6

Lauren tries to meet with the investigating officer in Noble Jon's murder.

Is Lauren Working Against Me?

Lauren Ortega worries me.  She works for me, but she doesn’t feel like she’s in my employ anymore.  The enthusiasm she used to show for my case isn’t there.  No, that’s not right.  She still has the fire to get a resolution, but I get the feeling she doesn’t care whether it works out in my favor.  The way she looks at Victoria tells me that she cares about my daughter.  Lauren is working for a solution that works best for my daughter and my daughter only.  I should fire her.  I love that she's all about Victoria, but it can’t be at my expense.

I saw the change when she dropped the bombshell about Noble’ Jon’s murder.  When I look back at that day, I know I went overboard with my reaction.  I reveled in the fact that Larry could be a murderer and that his downfall would guarantee Victoria would be mine forever.  My bloodlust for Larry’s ruin changed our relationship.

Since then, when she calls in with updates, the empathy isn’t there.  The distance between us has widened since she visited Lee Wang in San Quentin.  The gang boss was supposed to bury Larry.  He was the only thing I could throw into the mix since Noble Jon’s murder.  I don’t know what Wang said about Larry, but he couldn’t have delivered the deathblow.  Now when Lauren talks about Larry, there's a note of respect.  I get the feeling she's trying to save Larry.  If she's trying to save him, then who is she trying to destroy?

Lauren's latest video report in San Quentin prison

Having a Murderer for a Father

As much as I needed something on Larry for the custody hearing, I never wanted this.

I wanted his pill problem exposed, his on-the-job indiscretion to come out and his unfit living circumstances as evidence for why he can’t provide a suitable home life for Victoria. Really that’s all I wanted.

Larry’s involvement in Jon’s murder does make what I want easier, but I can’t help fear what effect this will have on Victoria. The daughter of a disgraced cop is one thing.

A murderer for a father is another.

Lauren's Video Report 4

The results of Lauren's research in San Francisco's China Town.

Jon's Murder

I've just found out that Larry is investigating Jon's murder.  There's nothing wrong in that in of itself, but after what I've seen, I don't like it.  What makes matters worse is that nobody has been able to get in touch with Larry since the night of the murder.  He seems to be going out of his way not to be found by his colleagues.  That doesn't make sense.  He should be running down leads not skulking around making iffy meetings and staying hidden from his fellow cops.  I think I was wrong about him.

I think he is involved in Jon's murder.

Lauren's Video Report 3

This covers Lauren Ortega's visit to my home.

I Have A Very Smart Daughter

Victoria suspects something.

She’s a smart girl - she knows something is up. When she talks to me, I know she’s reading between the lines, but I don’t think she knows what's up.

I think she recognizes enough to know that it’s got something to do with her father. She’s picked that up from the custody hearing and Lauren Ortega's visit. I don’t think she knows her father is involved with Noble Jon’s murder. There's been nothing on the news about it. Jon’s murder has barely made a blip on the media’s radar, but then I guess that’s not surprising seeing as the crime involved a homeless person.

Lauren's Video Report 2

This is Lauren's second report. It's starting to make uncomfortable viewing.

Women Who Refuse to Believe the Truth About Their Husbands

I think I overreacted with my last post. Larry is many things, but he's not a murderer. I was married to the man over a decade. I would have seen something in him. You can't spend that amount of time with a person and not know what they're capable of.

I refuse to believe that about Larry.

I've seen him bring home the ugliness of his work and wear it around the house like it was a set of someone's clothes. He never had an outlet for his emotions. He never wanted to share it with me. Not because he couldn't, but because he didn't want to burden me with the misery of the streets. If he had, maybe we'd still be together.

Then again, how well do we know anyone? I never believed Larry would turn to drugs, but he did. I never expected him to bring home the effects of a detective investigating the worst acts people inflicted on each other. I never thought I would come to despise my husband, but I did. I never thought my husband was capable of murder, but I believe it's a possibility now. Is murder out of the question? Is it for anyone? Oh, I don't know.

Larry is a good man and a good father. He's just lost, and I can't lead him home. I have Victoria to consider. Larry will have to find his own way home.

Lauren's Video Report 1

My private eye, Lauren Ortega is documenting her experiences and uploading videos. This is her first report

Informant Has Been Murdered

Lauren Ortega has just left. I'm still shaking. I did my best to hide it from her. I'd set her up to meet one of Larry's informants, a homeless guy Larry called Noble Jon. If anyone could provide the dirt I needed on Larry for the custody hearing, it was Jon. Except he's been murdered.

I met Jon a couple of times. Not enough to really know him, but enough that when I close my eyes, I see his face.

What has me shaking is that Jon was murdered two days after I told my private investigator to go seek him out for information that would be damaging to Larry.

What are the odds of that happening? I don't believe in coincidence. It's probably a side effect of being married to a cop for a decade. I think Jon's murder is too well-timed for comfort.

Would Larry go as far as killing a man he called a friend just so it wouldn't ruin his joint custody claim?!

If Larry is willing to kill a friend over his daughter, what will he do to me?!!

How to Hire A Private Eye

I've hired a female private investigator, Lauren Ortega. She's got a good rep and is hungry for the work. It seems like she cares about her job and I see a lot of Larry in Lauren.

I say you have to fight fire with fire!

Happy New Year

It's Jan 1st - New Year's Day 2011. That's 01.01.11 how weird LOL.

I'm ready to go now with the blogging - it's my new year's resolution. From Jan 5th I'm going to write something every other day. I hope you'll follow along and support me.

Although a little random, I thought I'd share this video from Russia of a UFO sighting quite funny. Hope you enjoy it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V65gDLuKMY8